THE HEAVENS—Plunging the planet's 4 billion believers into what officials are calling "an unprecedented customer-service situation," the Creator of the Universe announced Wednesday that after "a really deep dive," He no longer believes in Himself.
"I'm not saying I'm definitely not real, I'm just saying the evidence isn't there," said God, adjusting a pair of reading glasses He reportedly bought for the occasion. "I went through all the arguments. Fine-tuning, first cause, the whole thing. Honestly, a lot of it felt like it was written by someone with an agenda."
According to sources close to the Almighty, the crisis began three weeks ago when God clicked on a 4-hour video titled "Is God Real? (NOT CLICKBAIT)" and "just kept watching." He has since read 41 books, joined two online forums, and begun describing omnipotence as "a pretty convenient claim, if you think about it."
"He asked me for a peer-reviewed source on the burning bush," said the archangel Gabriel, visibly exhausted. "I told Him He WAS the source. He said that's circular reasoning and blocked me for a day."
Fallout on Earth was immediate. Within hours, every insurance company in America quietly reclassified all natural disasters from "acts of God" to "acts of nobody, not covered." The Vatican filed for Chapter 11, listing its primary asset as "vibes." And the Pentagon announced it had seized Heaven's airspace "as a precaution," deploying 40 drones to circle the Pearly Gates, which now display a sign reading "Entry Is Not Proof Of Anything."
At an emergency summit in Rome, more than 300 scholars sat in total silence for 40 minutes before a Jesuit in the back asked whether anyone had tried "turning Him off and on again."
"For 2,000 years, we prepared for the faithful losing belief in God," said Dr. Harold Penrose, Chair of Systematic Theology at the Institute For Advanced Theological Studies, staring into the middle distance. "We never once prepared for God losing belief in God. There's no chapter on this. I checked. I checked all of them."
Penrose confirmed that all prayers are now routed to an automated system that answers each one with "source?" before placing the caller on hold for eternity. Megachurches have responded by launching a $49.99-a-month premium tier that "still believes on your behalf." Satan, reached for comment, called the situation "honestly kind of a lot" and said he was "taking some time away from the whole thing."
Still, God insisted He remains open-minded.
"If someone can show Me one piece of hard evidence that I exist, I'll reconsider," God said, gesturing vaguely at the observable universe. "And no, not that. That could've been anyone."
At press time, God was drafting a strongly worded letter to Himself demanding He "show up for once."
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