WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans there was "no real reason" behind the decision, a coalition of federal agencies announced Tuesday that it will begin reversing Earth's magnetic field sometime next spring, purely out of curiosity.
"We've had north on top for, what, 780,000 years? Honestly, it's gotten stale," said Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Planetary Orientation Gary Pruett, gesturing at a whiteboard on which someone had drawn a large horseshoe magnet and the word "FLIP??" "Worst case, everybody's compass is wrong for a while. Best case, we learn something."
According to the 14-page plan, the reversal will be carried out by 40 contractors stationed at the North Pole holding what officials called "the biggest magnet we could find," which they will slowly rotate over six to eight business days.
Pruett acknowledged several possible side effects, including the collapse of global navigation, the disorientation of every migratory bird on Earth, and "a decent chance the sky does something weird," but said the agency had prepared for these contingencies by "not really thinking about them."
"Look, the birds will figure it out," Pruett said. "They're smart. Some of them can talk."
The government has reportedly begun preparing the public for the transition, quietly printing new maps with Australia on top and issuing guidance advising citizens to "hold your phone upside down if Google Maps starts acting up."
Reaction among scientists was mixed, with some geophysicists warning the move could expose the planet to lethal solar radiation, while others admitted they also kind of wanted to see what happens.
"We tried to tell them it doesn't work like that," said geophysicist Dr. Helen Okafor, rubbing her temples. "Then they showed us the magnet. It's a really big magnet."
At press time, officials said that if the reversal goes well, they would move on to Earth's rotation, which Pruett described as "long overdue for a change of direction."
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