ATLANTA—In what officials are calling "the most important public health finding since the invention of the floor," a sweeping new study released Thursday by the National Institute of Respiratory Caution has confirmed that breathing is linked to 100 percent of all recorded deaths.
"We followed 11 million people for 40 years, and every single one who died had a history of breathing," said lead researcher Dr. Glenda Ostrowski, speaking from inside a sealed glass booth she has not exited since March. "Every one. No exceptions. Not one person who never breathed has ever died. Frankly, the numbers speak for themselves, and they're saying 'stop.'"
According to the report, the average American inhales roughly 22,000 times a day, a figure researchers described as "reckless," "frankly showing off," and "the kind of thing you'd expect from someone who wants to die." Habitual breathers were also found to be 100 percent more likely to have been born, a correlation the authors called "deeply troubling."
The Department of Health responded within hours, issuing new federal guidelines recommending that adults limit themselves to six breaths per day, or eight on weekends "in moderation, with friends, and never before operating machinery." Children under 12 are now advised to share one breath per household.
Enforcement began immediately. In Phoenix, police cited 1,400 joggers for "public panting." Gyms nationwide have been reclassified as "breathing dens." Several airlines have quietly removed the oxygen masks from their planes, explaining that "in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, we simply can't be party to that."
The guidelines have already spawned a thriving black market. In alleys across the country, dealers in long coats now sell "loose breaths" sealed in party balloons for $20 each, with premium "Mountain Air" fetching up to $90. "It's cut with leaf blower," one dealer warned. "You gotta know your guy."
Meanwhile, a growing recovery movement is celebrating milestones. Harold Wence, 44, of Dayton, proudly held up a bronze chip at a church-basement meeting of Breathers Anonymous on Wednesday. "I haven't breathed since Tuesday," said Wence, who appeared calm, extremely pale, and slightly blue. "My family says I look terrible. But my family also breathes, so who's really the problem here?"
Not everyone is convinced. Martha Pelley, 67, of Tulsa, told reporters she remained in mourning after her husband, Don, "breathed every single day of his life." At press time Don was standing directly beside her eating a turkey sandwich, and confirmed he was "doing pretty good, actually."
The pharmaceutical industry has moved quickly to fill the gap. Merovax Pharmaceuticals' new prescription inhaler, Exhalia, which works by "taking the breath back out of you," is expected to become the best-selling drug in history, though common side effects include fainting, dizziness, lightheadedness, and "a sense that something is very wrong."
Experts urge the public not to panic, because panicking is "basically just fast breathing with feelings."
"Look, we're not saying you have to quit cold turkey," said Ostrowski, tapping on the glass. "We're saying start small. Skip a breath at lunch. Hold one in during a meeting. And whatever you do, do not yawn. A yawn is a binge."
At press time, the CDC confirmed that all 11 million study participants had since died, which researchers said "only proves our point."
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